Large and Luscious - A Celebration of Big Beautiful Women

Like that other advice columnist, Queenie too has a twin sister. Queenie's sister, however, is not also a columnist, but is a shepherd.

If you have any questions for her, e-mail them to us and type "Queenie" in the subject line.

Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and plan to marry. We sleep together, of course. I thought our sex life was very satisfactory, but not the only thing in our relationship. However, since September 11th, he never wants to go out, all he wants to do is "go to bed." He's in the Army Reserve and says he never knows when he may be called up and have to ship out. Besides, he says it our duty as Americans. Queenie, I want to do the right thing , but this is too much.

Worn Out in Virginia

Dear Worn,
Tell your boyfriend you understand, want to do your part, and would like to meet the rest of his reserve unit. See how patriotic he feels then.

Dear Queenie,
My husband makes the term "slug" seem like an attribute. All he does all day is hang out with his buddies or go shooting.

When we were married (I didn't know he was already "attached") he told me he was rich, and not only promised me a "rose garden" but a decent place to live. Queenie, we live in a f_ _ _ _ ing cave!!! in a country you wouldn't believe. And, lately it's been pack up and move every other day. I need some stability in my life and your advice is very welcome.

Stuck in gawd awful
Afghanistan or Pakistan or
Uzbekistan or whatever 'stan'
we are in NOW!

Dear Stuck,
Curiously, I've received 11 other letters just like yours.

Dear Queenie,
My husband doesn't have sex with me much - maybe twice a month (he is 39 and I'm 35 ). He acts like it is no big deal, yet he masturbates to the ladies on the net (personal ads). My question is: should I wonder if he is having an affair on me? Or should I just forget that he doesn't "do me" anymore, but does himself instead?

Needing to Know Why

Dear Needing,
He's having an affair alright - with his fist!! Have someone he doesn't know phone while you are out and ask for you. When he responds that you are not in, have the caller say that he is from the Jerry Springer Show and that you have been selected
as a guest. I guarantee that will get his attention!

Dear Queenie,
After four less than blissful years, I finally threw my husband - let's call him "Sluggo" - out of the house. In going through his "stuff" (mostly porn videos and dirty shorts) I came across what appears to be a hand held electronic device. Queenie, there are
buttons, numbered 0 through 9, some up and down arrows and several other buttons I don't quite understand. I know I have never seen it before! What do you suggest I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,
Keep it. It's the TV remote.

Dear Queenie,
Very recently my husband after 30 years of a blissful marriage, died. I have since met a wonderful man on the internet who lives in another state but he is coming to my city on business. Unfortunately, he will only be here one day, Friday. Do you think it would be tacky of me to miss the funeral?

Newly widowed

Dear Newly,
World class tacky. But why don't you invite your internet friend to the service?

Dear Queenie,
There is a man in my neighborhood who every morning walks his dog. Also every morning he stops in front of my house, and his dog leaves a big part of himself on my lawn. I have confronted the man and asked, that if there is something sacred about my lawn to at least bring a "pooper scooper" with him. So far that effort has proven fruitless. The police are no help as they are out stopping crime at Dunkin Donuts, and the yellow pages are useless as "shipping and handling" was as close as I could get. Can you help?

Up to here in dog s___!

Dear Up,
It could be worse. The dog owner could also be leaving part of himself on your lawn. My suggestion is that you fight fire with fire. First, find out where the neighbor lives, and then call Bernie's Rent-an-Elephant.

Dear Queenie,
I recently met a wonderful man. He is widowed as am I. We seem very compatible and have much in common, though he is older than I. He's 96 and I am 81. Should I continue in this relationship even though my parents are against it because of our age difference?

Luvs Older

Dear Luvs,
Say What??

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